Lactose intolerant people: This doesn’t concern you. Go make yourself some Lactofree ice cream or whatever, before you start to bloat.
I want to show everyone why I hate iced drinks/ Shakeaway is boss. To explain this, I have made up some simple diagrams. Let us begin with the Mars Bar Shakeaway:
With the right ingredient, you could potentially have one of the best drinks ever on your hands. They make you understand why Hindus worship cows. It’s like milk from Kamadhenu or the breast of an angel. And upon reaching the bottom of the cup it only gets better – using the handy scoop on the end of the straw to pick up leftover mars bar pieces can only be described as fatty satisfaction. Or as I like to call it, fatisfaction.
Next, a Starbucks Frappuccino:
It all begins so well. But it doesn’t take long to succumb to that crippling intensity of brain freeze. I think that’s how Wayne Rooney’s head must feel when he tries to think. There is also the bout of throat freeze which gives you an incessant cough that turns your face a weird deep crimson, and this is all because you are choking purely on coldness. It’s like being strangled by The Snowman.
Frappuccinos tend to start life as a vibrant orange beacon of tropical goodness, but quite rapidly descend into a kind of dull white, like the sludge at the side of the road a few days after it’s snowed. The mango flavoured syrup has disappeared, and no amount of straw-stirring will bring it back. And there’s no extra sweets, just a cup quarter-filled with the sad crushed watery remains of a drink. Here’s a tip for you, Starbucks: put more mango stuff in there; it’s not like you can’t afford it, you tax-dodging pricks.
To conclude, here is a list of Shakeaway flavours that are shit. If you like any of these, I can pretty much tell that we would never be friends:
– Fisherman’s Friends. Do you have a beard? Teeth missing? Do you steal stuff from Lidl? Do you feel the need to spit the big globs of mucus that cling to your airways onto the floor to make schoolgirls scream? Have you got a cough like a homeless asthmatic smoker? No? Then you should not be eating Fisherman’s fucking Friends
– Liquorice Allsorts. Everyone knows that liquorice is what poor people eat
– Bourneville chocolate. I didn’t even know they still made Bourneville. They probably don’t, and that’s why they always taste like they went out of date in 1999.
– Time Out bar
– Coconut. This freaks me out beyond belief. Who ever heard of coconut milk? Honestly.
– Bourbon biscuit
– All cake. There is nothing worse than soggy cake. Why not just get a bulldog eat a Victoria sponge and then regurgitate it into your mouth. It’s really is just the worst.
– Fit and Healthy. You are sucking all the fun out of a Shakeaway.
– Rice pudding. Again, you are too old to be drinking milshakes.
– All Posh Shakes and Millionaires Milkshake. Get over yourself – you’re in Shakeaway. The person serving you is wearing a cap. They’re playing the 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack. There is a man outside dressed as a giant Shakeaway cup. This is not the place to be ordering a £12 milkshake topped with 23 carat edible gold flakes. I bet you’re wearing disposable shoe covers over your hand-made brogues. You don’t belong here, you pompous milk snob.