I’ve found the perfect diet. All you need is the following:
- One kitchen window with a broken blind
- One nosy neighbour who decides not to shut their blind.
This is where my neighbour lives:
I challenged him today by attempting to stare him out – I looked him straight in the eye whilst eating pistachios very slowly. Eye contact was not broken for around two minutes. In the end I had to be the one to break it because I’d been putting the shells back in the same bowl and I couldn’t tell the difference between eaten and non-eaten pistachios.
I only ever see him through our facing windows, and I don’t often wear my glasses in the kitchen because they get very steamy, but I can just tell he’s very judgemental. Like me, he spends a lot of his time doing nothing. So when I go into the kitchen at 10.30pm, I don’t want someone staring at me with a look on their face that says ‘Really? How many cheese slices can you eat in a day?’
He has made me self conscious in my own kitchen. I can no longer do the things that I love, like pouring golden syrup straight into my mouth, or smelling a multitude of Tupperware pots filled with questionable meats to see which one, if cooked, would be least likely to give me food poisoning (today it was the chicken).
In other news, I learnt something new about my dad today: he gets very upset when you put pistachio shells back in the pistachio bowl.