That Time I Was On Deliwatch.

I’m starting a new job on Sunday, which I’m so glad about because I’m really poor. Being poor hasn’t really stopped me from doing much, it just means that I need to be more careful with my money. Some may call this ‘stingy’ or ‘stealing’. But they’re wrong.

These days when I go out for dinner, I like to resort to the old scumbag trick of patting down my pockets and saying “Oh GOD, it appears I forgot to bring cash with me… How embarrassing…” which mostly always works, apart from one time when I went to this two-person dinner party (I refuse to refer to it as a date). I tried to pull this stunt, and the guy I was with was all like “I haven’t got any cash either… So do you want to, like, pay on your card and I’ll, like, kinda buy us some drinks later?” so I had to (reluctantly) say yes. I then spent the rest of the night drinking small glasses of Wetherspoons’ cheapest rose, until it was time for me to help him home after five “single” JD and cokes; holding onto his belt loops and the hood of his jumper like an adult in a makeshift toddler harness, in order to prevent him running into oncoming traffic. It was actually only after he vommed on my shoes that I worked out they were actually doubles, and there had been more than five.

Anyway, through years of sporadic frugality, I’ve found ways to cut the cost of dining out. You could always be the typical food wanker – eat a delicious meal, lie and tell the waiter you weren’t satisfied with it, refuse to pay. But we’ve all been there a millions times over, right? I mean, we’ve all banned from Strada, right? RIGHT? So I’m thinking we all need to get a bit more creative with our stinginess. Here are just a few of my tried and tested methods:

1. The Party Pooper

Having younger relatives are always a plus for this one, because they quite often have parties of other small people to go to. And you know what this means: PARTY BUFFET.

Mums always put on the best spreads for their kid’s parties, and you can guarantee you’ll always leave with an awesome goodybag at the end. If it’s a shit goodybag, however, just march right back over to the mother responsible, throw the bag in her face, and shout “WHERE’S MY BUBBLE BLOWER, BITCH?” and insist she gives you a bigger piece of cake that has extra icing on it. Also, when the kids are playing pass the parcel, this is an excellent opportunity to scoop large amounts of buffet food into your bag. For example, I have a clutch bag that fits precisely 57 cocktail sausages in it. Then if anyone gets suspicious, you just blame it on the fattest kid there (I’m allowed to say that because I used to be that kid).

This sneaky little trick also works at house parties, but don’t get too excited about the food arrangements; I’m telling you now the only thing students will have are crisps in assorted flavours all mixed together in one bowl. If you can deal with that, go for it girlfriend. If it’s not a student party though, they might well be rich enough for you to steal the fruit from a jug of their Pimms, or a few cocktail sticks from the cheese and pineapple hedgehog.

2. The Mint Addiction

I just googled mint addiction and apparently it’s a real thing. I wonder when you realise you’re addicted to mints. Sometimes I like to see how many Smints I can put in my mouth in one go, does that make me a maddict (mint addict = maddict)?

Anyway, I digress. My next pearl of wisdom is this: when you go to a restaurant or a bar that has a bowl of mints on the counter, just order the cheapest thing on the menu and when the cashier turns away from you, STEAL THE MINTS. A handful of mints will save you from having to buy gum for at least a week, depending on your handsize. That’s why when I go out I always wear coats with multiple hidden pockets. You have to be wary of those mirrors they have behind the bar though, because there is no good way to explain to staff why you’ve got both your hands and your face in the mint bowl.

3. The Cheese Deli Psycho

It is useful to hang around the deli counters at certain supermarkets, because quite often they put samples on top of the counter for you to try. It’s mostly just cheese, but if you like continental breakfasts abroad I’m sure you’ll be fine eating a few lumps of sweaty cheese that has been warmed by the overhead spotlights. You’ll need to circulate supermarkets because they catch on pretty quickly and will either take away the cheese plate, or put you on Deliwatch, which involves keeping a picture of you behind the counter with a DO-NOT-FEED-HER-type warning. But this is easily solved if you can get your hands on a pair of Groucho Marx glasses.

4. The Gherka

Lastly, the laziest option available. When you’re in McDonalds, don’t buy anything, but eat all your friends’ gherkins, which only really works if you’re with a lot of people, or really desperate (or really into gherkins. Which no one is. Or ever should be). Although if this is something you’d do you probably haven’t got any friends.

This was actually supposed to be a post on my new job. But I guess helping others is much more important. That’s what I do – I’m a giver. But don’t worry, if you’re bored of me talking about food yet, my next post promises to have plenty of toilet humour, yaaaaay!

Just in case you were wondering, here’s my Deliwatch picture:

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