Yeah, I owe some of you an apology.
At the end of the year, WordPress sent me an annual report that displays my blog stats for 2012. This includes what search engine terms people used that caused them to stumble across my blog. The Day Curse has only been running for three months, but you’d be surprised at the magnitude of bizarre and disturbing search terms I was presented with. So I apologise to you guys, who were probably as confused as I was with the result of your weird and depraved online searches. And because I saw someone else doing this on their blog, I’ve decided to steal the idea and pass it off as my own. Here are my favourite search terms of 2012, beginning with the most popular:
“Taylor Swift ruins everything”
“I miss crystal maze”
“James Arthur’s eyes”
“This shit makes me fucking livid”
“Unidentified brown thing”
“I hate James Arthur”
“Daphne and Celeste now”
– I definitely helped this guy; I had to pay a pound to find that out, and I passed the information onto them for free
“Grimace Christmas ornament”
– They should make these
“Veiny site: WordPress.com”
“Mid sneeze pictures”
“Why does Taylor Swift just ruin everything?”
“Sexy cowboy ornaments”
– I hope they don’t make these
“Fuck off Christopher Maloney”
“Fat person sex”
“Jack Gylenhal ruimed by Taylor Swift”
– How this person made it here with such poor spelling skills I’ll never know.
“I hate Christmas”
“How to deal with bullies at my gym”
“Bald crazy dog”
“Legs behind her head – porn – nude”
– This is my favourite. I like to think this was probably the most disappointed person to find my blog. Just imagine: sitting there with his pants down, ready to see some slutty, bendy cheerleader, but instead presented with a video of me being slapped around the face with a pancake. Soz, man.
“Fuck the splits”
– I hear that, sister
“Best name for cat”
– Adolph Kittler or Ferris Mewler obviously. Duh.
“I can’t lift my arms”
– I hope to God I didn’t inadvertently kill someone who was having a real life emergency and was actually looking for the NHS Direct website.
“‘Can’t lift my arms’ corset”
– Because there’s nothing sexier than losing all use of your arms.
“Harry Styles ruins everything”
“Christopher Maloney evil smile”
“James Arthur rubs Louis Walsh’s head”
– Bit weird
“Taylor Swift ruins boy’s life”
“Animals as humans”
“Get into my knickers”
– Thrilled it’s catching on
“I forgot to wear pants”
“Star anise stuck in throat”
“I’m sorry for being dramatic”
“What outfit should my cat wear?”
So sorry, you big bunch of weirdos.
Sorry for depriving you of the search results that you were actually looking for. I hope you eventually managed to find an appropriate outfit for your cat. I also hope you were able to locate the corset that makes your tits look massive but renders your arms completely redundant. Sorry to the Harry Styles fans that were probably expecting some gruesome fanfiction where Taylor Swift dies a slow and painful death, or superimposed pictures of old Swifty being lynched by the rest of One Direction (don’t worry, I bet they think she’s a total Yoko). But also thank you for not littering the comments section with your misspelt messages of hate, heavily laden with an unnecessary amount of capital letters and abbreviations, because it would have taken a while to 1) figure out what you were saying and 2) subsequently delete them all.
The Day Curse: Disappointing the masses since Oct 2012.