Dr Christian Can Kiss My Ass.

I don’t watch much television. Actually I used to watch a lot of television, but that was back in the good old days of Blind Date, Don’t Try This At Home and Animal Hospital. Now, TV is just the worst. Mostly because it’s dominated by the following types of shows:

–          Young people giving each other STDs, because they did too many vodka shots through the eye and ended up shagging on the dancefloor,  and thinking it’s exotic because they contracted it in Magaluf (It also annoys me that every single one of these cretins think they made up “Shagaluf”. Just because you feel the need to constantly shout it in everyone’s face whilst Sambuca dribbles down your chin, it does not convince me any further that you were smart enough to think up the dumbest nickname on earth.)

–          Documentaries on stuff like The World’s Tallest Man, that could easily be summed up in around ten minutes but instead go on for an hour and a half, which mostly consists of footage that follows him around a shopping centre whilst people look up at him. OH THE PREJUDICE.

–          Programmes on penny-pinchers. They remind me of someone I know (but I won’t say who because my mum will be annoyed)

–          Crime thrillers, because I can’t be bothered to wait until the next episode a week later to find out that the killer was someone completely implausible, like the woman who walks the primary suspect’s dog.

–          Glee, just because

–          Made In Chelsea (Just kidding – I love that show! Pardy!)

But there was one show I watched last week that just took the piss. I personally would have turned it off but I was at my sister’s house, and she is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to the remote control. This programme was Supersize Vs. Superskinny. Urgh. Now, as I am neither a fat nor a thin person, I feel I have right to pass judgement on this show. So I have spent the last hour gathering screen shots from the show for a nice little demonstration on what pisses me off.

Firstly, when I went on the 4od website to gather my shots, Channel 4 recommended some other programmes to me, which was almost like saying ‘Oh hey, got a thing for fatties, have ya? LOL! Well check some of these out, bro!’

1 (2)

Fat Plague and Embarrassing Fat Bodies? How do they get people with weight issues to agree to these programmes?! “Ok so we’re doing a couple of shows that highlight obesity issues in a sensitive and education manner, and we’d love for you to take part. It’s called Fat Plague. Fancy it? No? How about Embarrassingly Fat Bodies? Oh sorry I meant Embarrassing Fat Bodies. Ha! No? Really? Well, ok. Do you know any other hideously obese people that want their fifteen minutes? Don’t you guys normally hang out together?….”

Now, you can imagine that to appear on a show like Supersize Vs. Superskinny, you’d be a bit apprehensive about baring all to the world. These people have real issues with their weight. So, I figure there’s some sort of pep talk prior to reassure them that they will be respected, that they will be treated with care, and that this is to help them. Yet somehow, THIS HAPPENS:

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Is this not totally humiliating? Hey everyone, just slip into this highly unflattering flesh-coloured underwear. Back in a minute, just going to change into my super fashionable bright shirt. Hey, where’s my podium? Broken? Ok. And the smoke machine? Both are broken? Fine fine, we’ll just have to try and work without them today. Jesus Christ.

 2

“To most, the scales are a daunting prospect. Well, not for me because I’m made of pure muscle and testosterone. Check out these quads! But to this bunch of fatties and pro-ana’s the scales are the enemy!”

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 Then these two – LJ and Katie – are made to pair up, which of course means they have to hug each other THIS INSTANT whilst still wearing their underwear. Nope, they’re not allowed to get changed into their normal clothes and greet each other properly. I don’t think either of them was into it. This shot makes it look like some weird dating show. The people behind look made up for them though.

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And then, just incase you didn’t get the difference in weight between the two, here’s a shot of them together from this angle. See? Do you see now? Fat and thin! Yes!

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Those who haven’t developed epilepsy from looking at Dr Christian’s shirt for too long will notice that LJ and Katie are still not allowed to get changed…

So if that bit wasn’t bad enough, LJ and Katie have a small bit to introduce themselves. It’s like, now we want you to explain what it’s like to walk in your shoes, why it’s so important that you lose weight, what it has done to your self esteem ect. And what we’re going to do whilst you say your piece is shoot this video that COMPLETELY CONTRADICTS ANY SERIOUS COMMENTS YOU’RE MAKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

DANCE, FAT BOY, DAAAAAAANCE!

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That’s real good, now just take this box of chinese food, and just go crazy with it. Stuff your face. No no, keep your shirt off. Good.

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Dr Christian reappears with an awfully patronising facial expression. Either that or he is suppressing a laugh.

Then, just to make sure they’ve got LJ at his worst, they shoot this: the most unflattering of angles.

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Yeah, just pull your boxers out and pretend that you HATE what you see in there. We wanna see some real self-loathing!

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Aaand now just jiggle it about. Let’s get that money shot.

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Then they show this little bit of exercise that LJ does. His little pup in a knitted pink jumper? Probably the least gay thing I’ve ever seen.

 Next, it’s Katie’s turn to be taken 100% seriously.

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Katie hates eating food so much, that she only keeps fake food in her house.

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  No no, Katie. That’s fake food. Remember? This is all fake. Yep, even that box of cereal. Poor Katie, she hasn’t eaten real food in so long she can no longer differentiate between the two.

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We’ll just pop the word “skinny” on the fridge, in case you’ve forgotten which person is which.

 16

This bit I couldn’t capture in a screenshot, but basically LJ advances on Katie as if he is a sassy Godzilla in boxers more commonly worn by prisoners, and nudges Katie with his hip, and she goes flying across the screen. Honestly.

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 Just wanted to point out his ridiculously oversized collar.

Then LJ and Katie are in the feeding clinic and they are made to swap meals, which sees Katie eat Chinese takeaway for breakfast, brunch, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, dinner, tea and midnight snack. Whilst LJ eats like two potato waffles and a bounty. It’s great to see they’re learning so much about healthy eating and portion control.

LJ is pretending that he loves the half-slice of toast he gets in the morning, but when Katie can’t finish her fried breakfast and six slices of bread he snaps and calls her pathetic, and tells her to leave. Hunger makes people do crazy things.

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So exciting to eat this…. Half piece of toast this morning…..

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Yay… Healthy eating….

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Bitch.

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 This was shown to make LJ feel bad about eating chinese food. But I dunno, I think it looks really good. It’s just making me want chinese food. I could eat some prawn crackers right about now.

At the end they do this bit where LJ and Katie come back a month or two down the line for a weigh-in, and they look SOOOOO much better….

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(I think Dr Christian needs to hire an interior decorator.)

Oh hey gurrrl, you DO look so much better! And it’s got absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that you’re now wearing nice, colourful underwear instead of ones that look like they were dyed with urine, or that you’re wearing make up and fake tan, or that you’ve washed your hair!!! (Although that last one is debatable.) In the end Katie had put on something like six pounds. I personally don’t know what’s good and what’s not, but what I will say is that over Christmas, I put on waaaay more than six pounds. I put on just under a stone. Well, like a stone and a half. One to two stone. Just over two stone. The weight isn’t really important, it’s the fact that I put it on in a week. A WEEK. (Don’t worry it’s nearly all gone now. Christmas is the one week I feel ok that people think I have a gland problem. The weight just drops straight off when I stop having Quality Street and port for breakfast.) And is no one scared that they’re in this house with Dr Christian and it’s completely spotless  and has nothing in it? The only thing that says murderer more are his hair plugs.

26“A headache you say? Well pop your trousers off and we’ll have a look.”

If I saw this picture whilst playing with the abacus in my doctors waiting room, I’d be straight out of there. I’d even prefer to go hang out with the chlamydia-ridden schoolgirls at the walk-in clinic than see that face waiting to give me a diagnosis on my urine infection. I mean chest infection. Hypothetical chest infection.

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2 thoughts on “Dr Christian Can Kiss My Ass.

  1. Classic waiting room abacus, it’s universal references like this that keep me reading this blog. Not the sense of obligation from your facebook posts.

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