If I haven’t said it enough and you still didn’t know, I gots me a new job. Which means I’m mega important now and I get to wear an electric blue power suit with gigantic shoulder pads and razor-sharp lapels, and reflective aviators even when it’s not sunny. I also now smoke Dunhill cigarettes and light them with £20 notes. But enough about me.
Only joking, it’s always about me. Basically my blog posts will be appearing at weekends from now on, because all I want to do when I get home from work is watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians and then go to sleep. How people get used to this nine-to-five shit is beyond me. But here is a little one to tide you over until then, you eager beavers.
Last week I got a cheeky text from AQA. I bloody love AQA, they’re the ones who help me keep tabs on all the celebrities that have gone out of fashion. (Daniel Bedingfield recently brought out an EP called Secret Fear – Stop The Traffik and currently resides in Tel Aviv, just FYI.) And they also helped me with this tricky little question I had back in 2010:
So I decided to spend a little time conversing with AQA, asking them every question I ever wanted answered. They did very well for the most part. So fill your boots, guys, I’ve asked everything you could ever possibly want to know…
But then I sent this one…
… and they took TWO HOURS to get back to me. And they didn’t even ANSWER my question. So I emailed them to get my money back. Which is where I learnt that texts are not in fact a pound like I originally thought, but TWO POUNDS FIFTY. So I am now embroiled in a bitter war with AQA to get my two-fiddy back for that last text. What if someone had a gun to my head and was screaming at me “spell guaranteed or you die! And make it rhyme, bitch!” before turning to his plump accomplice and saying “I do love a quirky little rhyme, don’t I Tony!” and winking. If that had actually happened, I’d be dead right now. And what’s worse, my family would be left to deal with my hefty phone bill. ALL FOR NOTHING. And for that reason alone I won’t give up until I have my money back. And it’s a good thing that I have a full-time job now to pay for all the other expensive but equally important texts, otherwise AQA would be sending round their bailiffs to snatch my money pot filled with loose change from my cold grasp.
N.B: I’d just like to point out that these are not in chronological order. Please don’t think that the answer before the uncle question prompted the uncle question!